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Final draft of the Queen’s Speech

The Queen’s speech for the opening of the new Coalition Parliament was leaked and published over the weekend. We are reliably informed that this was a Palace ploy to conceal the real version which, thanks to our undercover insider in the royal household, we are pleased to publish here.

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons:

Since I last addressed you, those awful Labour people have been booted out and We have seen fit to appoint young Dave here to become PM with the other chap whose name We forget – Cleggy Cloggs or some such – to form a Coalition Government.

We had Our doubts from the start, but looking at the first load of Bills they intend to inflict on Our subjects We have grave concerns. Young Dave came to Us and said he wanted to raise tax on VAT. We told him VAT 69 was not to be touched – We wasn’t having the Scotch whisky industry destroyed by some 20% tax. Or was that the alchohol level, We can’t remember. Anyway We told him no, no, no – We wasn’t having any of it.

Then he came up with some mumbo jumbo about CeeGeeTee. Again, We told him if this was a tax on One’s gee gee’s he had better think more than twice double quick. The very idea! We always look forward to Ascot and if he wanted an invite to Champers in the Royal Box he had better mind his Peas and Cucumbers. And unlike some other family members We don’t care to mention, We don’t charge half a million smackers for the priviledge.

And coming to priviledge We told young Dave to make it perfectly clear to his Osborne fellow to protect the rights of the noble dukes who own the land of this country and make sure they get plenty of tax breaks, subsidies and public inverstment in infrastructure. Only yesterday We had at least a dozen telephonic communications from Peers of the Realm saying that the EU subsidies of £1 million were mere chicken feed – Impossible to live on in the manner to which they have become accustomed. We simply can’t have Our extended family living off chicken feed!

Anyway, as I said earlier We was heartily glad to see the backside of that awful Brown fellow (am I allowed to say ‘Brown fellow’, by the way or is that non PeaSea?) To my mind they had shown an outstanding level of incompetance for thirteen years and it was time to say toodleoo.

Now, We’d bettter get on before the traffic builds up and We can’t get back to the Palace in time for tea. And anyway the corgis need feeding. There are about 20 of these Bill things listed here, but since the whole plot was leaked and published over the weekend there is no point in Our reading them all out. If We find the person responsible We will have his guts for starters. I mean garters.

We have been informed that the world is in some sort of financial crisis, but We do not know the exact details. We Ourselves are finding it diffuclt to maintain 10 palaces and 15 castles so We can sympathise with any of Our subjects being threatened with eviction or living on the Bakerloo line.

So that’s about it from Us. We had better let you get on with ruining the country, taking orders from those Brussels people and fiddling your expenses. We have to say that that is one activity We have never had to stoop so low to. Thankfully our socks and shares and licences for those giant windmill things keep the wolfhound from the door. But as We always say – Poverty doth make poor of us all.

Is Our carriage ready? Philip, wake up, We are orf home.

Good, then We pray that the blessing of Almighty God may rest upon your souls, may your budget be balanced and the land continue to increase in value. After all – it is all mine!