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Round 1 shows contenders unfit for top job

On last night’s showing the title could be undecided and require re-match

With the Downing Street crown in contention, this 3-round contest of party heavyweights had the nation glued to the screen and on the edge of their seats – hyped up by the expectation of a clash of the Titans that would leave one contestant head and shoulders above the others.

It turned out to be a shadowboxing contest of well rehearsed tactics where nobody threw any knockout punches and the referee shouted ‘break’ before any real ego damage could be delivered. The audience looked as if they had been tranquillised, so tame were the questions. We can only hope that the contestants take some performance enhancing drugs before the next round.

In the Red corner was ‘Bruiser Brown’ the current holder of the coveted title, and famous for his ‘clunking fist. In the Blue corner, the principle challenger ‘Crusher Cameron’ a man with style but little experience. In the Yellow corner we saw ‘Clever Clogs Clegg’ who was standing in for his manager, Flinch Fable, who is widely expected to be kingmaker if, after the 3rd round, the fight is inconclusive.

The only thing clear about the event was that nobody was prepared to show what they were made of. There was plenty of fancy footwork and ducking and diving but nothing of real substance. All puff and no pastry.

The Bruiser attempted to land a couple of below the belt punches on the Crusher but they were so weak that even he had a smile on his face. A left hook would have scored more points.

So the three wise men looked and sounded like snake oil salesmen – promising the earth while peddling recipes from the past.

The consensus was that Round 1 went to the outsider in the Yellow corner, but we shall have to see if he has the staying power to last two more gruelling (or should hat be tedious?) rounds. And even if he gets the thumbs up, history tells us he will go down as a likely lad not a leading light.

At the bell the audience were thankful for the respite and the opportunity to make a nice cup of tea and get on with their own lives until next week.